Funeral Humor

Aunt Aileen, 1921-2011

Today we laid my dear Aunt Aileen  to rest.  Her passing was peaceful and welcome–she was more than ready to relocate to heaven.

A few weeks ago, looking back on almost 90 years of life, this four-times married (thrice widowed) delight told me, “I moved from my mother’s house in Danville to Mike’s house in South Bend, to Jim’s house back in Danville to Cliff’s house Sarasota, to Leo’s condo in Bradenton.   I moved to assisted living in DeLand then moved to this nursing home. I’M TIRED OF MOVING. My next and last move will be to the House of the Lord—AND I HOPE IT’S SOON!”

She had a habit of talking in CAPS.

It brought to mind another CAPS-talk event many years ago.  Her house in Sarasota had caught fire and immediately thereafter,  the Red Cross had put her up in a motel. I arrived four hours later to an unspeakably rundown 1950’s era “motor court.”  It was the only place that would accept her beloved white miniature poodle, Max.  She told the Red Cross helpers that she would sleep on the street before she would leave her dog. And she meant it.

So my spunky (but marginally prissy) Aunt Aileen was to be  housed with down-on-their-luck folks who were less like guests and more like residents, paying rent by the day or week.

When I arrived on this scene, I immediately picked up the phone which was a dirty, peach rotary dial base with a green cord and turquoise receiver and tried to find another place.  With all the persuasive powers I could muster, I succeeded in convincing the manager of a nice hotel near the beach to make an exception.  He agreed to accept both Aunt Aileen and  Max for the coming three months while her home was repaired.

As we walked toward the office to give notice that she would not be staying,  Aunt Aileen led Max on his rhinestone leash.  We approached a battered Coke machine loaded with generic soft drinks.  It was surrounded by surly men who were blocking our way, staking claim to their turf.  Most were barefoot and those wearing shirts had cigarette packs rolled into the sleeve.  They smirked at one another as we drew nearer.

My perfectly turned out Aunt Aileen, with her flawless makeup,  lipstick -red fingernails and a tastefully tropical outfit,  politely said “Excuse me.”

They didn’t move.  Again with more emphasis, she said, “Excuse me!”  Still they didn’t move.

With that, she snatched up Max and tucked him under her left elbow.  With her right arm, she shoved the closest ne’er do-well out of her path and instructed the group, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!”  And we marched past them.

I knew this 75 year-old  cupcake wouldn’t have lasted long in that place.  That was Aunt Aileen.

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” ~Sir Winston Churchill

Her funeral today was comforting but uneventful.  I was reminded of other funerals I have attended where there was a good bit of laughter and even some hilarity.

Needing a smile, I’d like to recall two of them here with you.

After enjoying these celebrations of life and rebirth into the kingdom of God, I would have to disagree with the grim statement by W. Somerset Maugham who said,

“Death is a dull, dreary affair and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it.”

******************** Vera’s funeral

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die anymore than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Her funeral was only moderately somber.  Because she was the mother-in-law of Jean, all of the the PlayGroup Mamas were in attendance.  Vera had been an active member of her church for more than 65 years. Yet, for unbeknownst reasons, her son chose to have the service officiated by the chaplain at the university where he was a professor.

The chaplain began his remarks with the announcement that he had never met Vera, though through conversation with her son, he knew her to be a devote, active, caring woman.   The size and make up of the gathering was further evidence of her character.  The church pews were lined with very polished and respectable looking mourners.

Vera’s final farewell was unlike a funeral he had done earlier in the day for another woman whom he had never met.  All those family mourners sported black tee shirts printed with the woman’s picture,  a Harley-Davidson logo and the words, “Ride on!”

Then he urged us all to recall stories of Vera’s life.  In an effort to prime the pump, he said that at the earlier funeral, the dearly departed woman’s son had risen to share his fondest memory of Mom.  “Yep,” he said, “she sure loved floating in that chair in the pool.  She could splash around and never put out her cigarette or spill a drop of her beer. ”

No one had a story that could top that, so we all were just quiet as this stranger detailed Vera’s unwavering faith, meaningful accomplishments, volunteer efforts and love of family.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. ~ Garrison Keillor

***************** Pauline’s funeral

Pauline’s funeral was the best I’ve ever attended.  Of course, all seven PlayGroup Mamas were there to support PGM Janet at her mother’s memorial service.  Several in our group, including school teachers, a college librarian, and an assistant director for an international airport had gone to great lengths to get the day off.

We loaded into Gina’s van and drive almost 60 miles to the funeral.  We did it willingly but no one expected this would be one of our most enjoyable and   memorable field trips.

Halfway through the service as virtually every mourner was laughing out loud, PGM Abby nudged me and said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m having a heck of a good time!”

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”  Ashley Montagu

Pauline could have written this quote.  She had a lust for life, savoring and squeezing out maximum entertainment and meaning from every experience.  This left her family with a wealth of stories to share at the memorial service.

Her granddaughter made a profound summary of Pauline’s personality when she said, “Every day, she took ordinary and made it extraordinary.”  I’ve  embraced that comment  and hope to emulate Vera in that respect.

When Jessica, who lived 1000 miles away,  phoned her grandmother she was never greeted with the ordinary hello, but rather an extra-ordinary squeal, “JessieBelle?  Is it really you?  Oh, I’m so thrilled!”  And she meant it, every time.

One story was told of the Girls’ Beach Weekend shared by the 5 ladies in the family– grandmother Pauline, daughters Janet and Jane, and granddaughters Jessica and Erica. They had flown in from around the country to join Florida residents Pauline and her daughter Janet.  The Fab Five waltzed into the lobby a 5 star ocean front hotel where Vera saw a sign, “Smith Wedding 5:00 Oceanfront.”

Pauline was exhilarated. “I LOVE a wedding!  Let’s go!!!!!”  Janet admonished, “We can’t go, Mother!  We weren’t invited!  We don’t even know these people!” as she gently reminded her mother that they were not invited to the wedding.  “Phooey!  Everyone knows a bride and groom.  We’re at the beach!” Vera persisted.  “We’ll be at this wedding. We’ll just do it upstairs.”

Pauline hurried them up to their suite of rooms with the ocean front balcony.  She quickly organized refreshments and ordered everyone to get dressed for the wedding.  Getting into the spirit, they all donned their best clothes, seated themselves on the 8th floor balcony.  One of the granddaughter’s quickly downloaded the Wedding March and a few other pieces of nuptial appropriate music which played as they enjoyed the wedding that unfolded below.  Nothing could be heard and little could be seen other than a woman in white and the rest of the wedding party.

“Ah,” Pauline announced.  “It was a beautiful ceremony.  And wasn’t the bride beautiful!”  They laughed and enjoyed the rest of their weekend together.

As they were driving back to Janet’s  home, Pauline smiled and sighed, mostly to herself, “I hope they live happily ever after.”  ******************

I don’t know about the newly wed Smiths, but I know in my heart at the very least Vera, Pauline and my beloved Aunt Aileen are living happily ever after and forevermore.

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” Yogi Berra